Stepmother encourages 19-year-old stepdaughter to put an end to joint family holidays with her husband's ex-wife

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Nov 22, 2024 6:00 PM EST

Spending the holidays with your husband's ex-wife sounds like prime material for a straight-to-streaming holiday-themed romantic comedy, but the reality is that it's not nearly as funny when it is your reality.

This stepmother turned to this online community for advice on a complex personal problem she was facing and wondered if she was in the wrong for encouraging her 19-year-old stepdaughter to speak up about ending their joint family holiday gatherings with the stepdaughter's mother, her husband's ex-wife.  

Surely, this tradition was begun with the best of intentions: an attempt at co-parenting between divorced parents to keep the family together for the holidays. The problem is that even though everyone is together, no one is having any fun, and the "awkward" gatherings are joyless and spoil the intended spirit of the holidays.

Sometimes, in life, rituals and traditions outlive their welcome, and our unwillingness to let them go simply holds us back. This seemed to be the case with this family, which is why the stepmother prodded her stepdaughter to speak up to her parents about how much she didn't enjoy these holiday gatherings and put an end to them.

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    Cheezburger Image 10432249088
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    Image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Image is for illustration only and subjects are models.

  • 02
    AITAH for not wanting to spend another holiday with my husband's ex wife? I (36f) have been with my husband Jake (47m) for 6 years, married for 4. He has a daughter, Jenna (19f) with his ex wife Susan. Jake and Susan's marriage began deteriorating during the pregnancy & they were separated by Jenna's first birthday, divorced before her second.
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  • 03
    They don't have a "friendly" relationship. They're cordial for Jenna and polite to one another but they never just chat for the sake of it and there is zero warmth in any of their interactions. Despite this, they both agreed that they never wanted their daughter to have to choose between them for the big holidays and so they've been spending every Thanksgiving and Christmas together for the last 19 years, with me joining the last 4.
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  • 04
    It's... fine. It's very awkward and feels like something everyone is just trying to get through but it's uneventful. There's no drama or anything crazy but it's not fun or festive either. I was under the impression that this would end when Jenna reached adulthood since Jake complains about it every year but last year was Jenna's first year home from college so he wanted everything to be "normal"
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  • 05
    I'm pretty close with Jenna and last year, after we left Susan's on Christmas Day, Jenna texted me joking about how dull the evening was and then said she didn't know why they were still keeping this up. And I was like PLEASE tell your dad because he's going to insist on it for your sake until you do. And she said. she would and we started talking about other things and it didn't come up again until this year.
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  • 06
    Jenna's spending Thanksgiving with her new friend's family this year so luckily it's just the one holiday to deal with this year. We were texting last month while she was starting to make plans to come home for Christmas and brought up how she wasn't looking forward to "another Christmas" and I encouraged her again to tell her dad how she felt. She brought it up with both of her parents and said she would do Christmas Eve with one and Christmas with the other. Great
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  • 07
    At some point, she mentioned to her mother that I had encouraged her to talk to her parents and now Susan has decided that I "manipulated" Jenna to get what I want (which I did want this but I don't feel I manipulated anyone) and is blowing up Jake's phone. This is the most they've spoken in years and Jake is not quite but almost agreeing with her; ie: "well I know how you didn't like going, maybe Jenna was just reading how you felt" which makes me feel like I'm going crazy. But I just feel weir
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  • 08
    Careless-World-7... 9h ago. Jenna's 19, not 9. If her own parents can't handle her having preferences, that's a them problem, not a you problem
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  • 09
    Allotted WordCount 9h ago • NTA. • Though it does look like you're going to be turned into the scapegoat. Jenna made it clear that she wasn't enjoying this and she herself came up with the solution. You just supported her. It sounds like this went on too long for anyone to be comfortable and like you've all missed out on festive holidays as a result.
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    Alarming_Reply_6... . 9h ago Do these people regularly dismiss their daughter's opinions or perspectives? This has nothing to do with you. Jenna is 19. Let her manage her parent's. If they want to point fingers, they can point them at each other for their own ridiculous behavior. If you don't want to attend a holiday with ex wife, then that's a different conversation that you should have with your husband.
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    irreverant_raccoon · 9h ago → Top 5% Commenter Or maybe it was easiest for Jenna to put it this way. Not nice per se, but kids of divorce often feel pulled in the middle between their parents and maybe she saw this as an out.
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    13ex_G 9h ago • • Top 1% Commenter Nta so these 2 grown people are talking to each other and to you but didn't think to ask their own kid? Your partner didn't think to have a private convo with his kid instead of trying to blame you? I would be super annoyed with your husband. They need to stop trying to paint you as the villain here
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    Cali-GirlSB 8h ago • "I'll take being the scapegoat if this gives me peace during the holidays." And stick to it. NTA.
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    • jeenajamsons 8h ago NTA. It sounds like you nudged Jenna in a direction she was already leaning towards. She's 19, fully capable of making her own decisions about how she wants to spend her holidays. If Jenna finds the tradition dull and expressed a desire to change it, it's really up to her to voice that, which she did.
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  • 15
    The blowback from Susan and the hesitancy from Jake might be them adjusting to a new normal, but it's unfair to paint you as manipulative when you were supporting Jenna's own. wishes. Maybe this change will lead to new, happier traditions for everyone.
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    BodaciousVermin • 7h ago Top 5% Commenter "Jake, do you really enjoy spending holidays with Susan? Why don't you have an honest, one-on-one conversation with Jenna, your adult daughter who can make hey Owen decisions, about what she wants for holidays, and how to spend them.
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  • 17
    As for me, I don't like Susan. I don't enjoy spending time with Susan, especially at holidays. Jenna has told me that she doesn't like the way things have been done, wants things to be different, and has made moves in that direction. To me, it seems like the only person that wants shared holidays now is Susan. Why might that be?
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  • 18
    Why don't you take some time to find out for yourself, not from Susan, what's what, and let's chat about this again after you have. Ok?"
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  • 19
    Choice-Emphasis... • 8h ago. NTA Sounds like the mom is the manipulative one and is projecting. How dare her daughter have an opinion of her own, receive support and encouragement from another person, and take action. You know, because adulting doesn't involve any of that.
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  • 20
    Wait-What1327 • 8h ago NTA. His ex's reaction is really over the top and weird given the fact that her daughter is an adult. Do you never get to have a holiday without the ex for the rest of your life? Your husband should be supporting you and telling the ex to back off. At this point, it's ridiculous.
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  • 21
    No-Pop7740 • 6h ago • So, Susan and Jake, who do not get along, decided to basically ruin Every Single Holiday for their child, for her entire childhood? Because that's what this was. They made every holiday for her entire childhood an awkward and tense occasion, rather than a happy joy filled experience. That is so, so toxic.
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family dynamics teens family drama stepmother aita AITAH wedding drama kids brother sibling rivalry teenagers blended family siblings stepchild moms family feud parenting wedding family pregnant reddit thread parent raising kids weddings Parenting Fail parents children
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